Hesitations
by the-wolf-and-the-star
Summary: Sirius has a bit of a reputation, and Remus has feelings for Sirius. Which he tries not to have.


**Authors Note: I do not agree with the idea that Sirius was a Gryffinwhore. I do think he wasn't completely innocent, but he wasn't with a different girl every week. Also, this is what happens when I watch Easy A at 3am. I also wrote this for the summer wolfstar wank on tumblr. The prompt was Gryffinwhore.**

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Reluctance. If you asked Remus Lupin what he first thought when it came to dating Sirius Black, it would be the first thing that came to mind. Yes, there was hesitation because of his condition, but there was also Sirius's reputation. Rumours flew that he was the most promiscuous man in Gryffindor, always with a different girl every week; never committing to someone. These were, of course, rumours.

There were definitely girls, but not on the level people assumed. There is something to be said for overcompensation. And whilst Sirius never stayed with a girl for long, he didn't sleep with every girl on the side at Hogwarts on the side, either. Loyal to the point of fault, Sirius didn't have a problem with commitment, he just hadn't found the right person yet.

If asked if the reputation bothered him by the few people that knew the truth, Sirius would shrug and say "of course not," with a smirk that Moony loved.

In addition to the reluctance, Remus also felt something he did not allow himself to feel very often: happiness. He told himself repeatedly in the year and a half that he liked Sirius that things would only end badly. He was a werewolf, and even though his friends were practicing to become unregistered Animigus, Remus felt that he was still cursed. He would still hurt someone. He had too many demons. He had never expected to get close to someone, and yet, he had three best friends, and at the heart of it, he had Sirius.

_He doesn't like you that way._ Remus told himself that what seemed like every damn day for months. But somehow he couldn't just let go, either. He had started to believe that maybe, just maybe, he was worth loving, in spite of who he was. And there had been the side of Sirius only Remus saw. There had been late night drunken babbling sessions and secret smirks. Sirius opened up to him and he really saw how Sirius spent the eleven years of his life before Hogwarts, and why he was so determined to get away from the Illustrious House of Black.

One night in their sixth year, after a celebratory Gryffindor win against Slytherin had pretty much died down Sirius left the common room in search of fresh air. Remus had followed; Padfoot had drunk a lot of butterbeer.

Sirius stopped in the empty corridor by the entrance and let the October air cool him. He slouched down the pillar and looked out towards the grounds, but at the same time, he looked very far away. His grey eyes looked almost hollow as he raised the butterbeer to his lips, and then lit a cigarette. Remus sat down next to him and opened a bottle. "Cheers."

Sirius said nothing for a while. They drank in comfortable silence and watched the nearly full moon over the lake. Remus always thought Hogwarts was breathtakingly beautiful, and he couldn't believe he had been allowed to come. He had never allowed himself to think about Hogwarts as a child. It was always going to be out of reach for him. Just like Sirius. And yet, just like when he was a small boy, he had allowed himself just a glimpse of hope that maybe he could touch and feel, too.

"You know how you survive?" Padfoot slurred. "Never look forward. Never look back." Their hands brushed and Remus quickly drew back his hand. The hair on his arms pricked up at the contact. He felt queasy and didn't know what to say in response.

"I know."

"Know?" He raised an eyebrow.

"What people say. You know, Sirius Black, the Gryffinwhore. Creative name." He put out the last of his cigarette.

"But it's not true."

"Of course it's not true." Anger rose on Sirius's face as he drained the last of his butterbeer.

"Then why not stop the rumours?"

"Being thought of, I guess even if it's in a shit way, is better than not being thought of. And at least I can pretend I'm good enough to be loved by the women of Hogwarts." He tried to stand up.

"You're drunk-you can't mean it."

"Moony, my dear, alcohol is the elixir of truth." He made it to his feet and lit another cigarette. Sirius had a habit of chain smoking, but it was worse when he was dealing with family problems, or drinking. And he usually drank in response to something from his family, so they went hand in hand. Remus knew this, and therefore knew that something had happened at home, and he also knew that Sirius was going to not talk about it. But he was going to be in a shit mood for a while.

Remus was quiet again. He pursed his lips and furrowed his brow. "I guess you are right about that."

"I'm not good enough for anyone. Not my fucked up family, girls. I don't feel the way I'm supposed to." These were things Sirius would never say. Especially when sober. Yet he had just opened up to Remus again, and let him inside his thoughts. He had let Remus past the wall he put up for everyone else. The walls that said he was happy and confident and excited. The truth was, Padfoot was horribly sad a majority of the time, but he hid it behind his grins.

If you asked Sirius Black what held him back from doing anything about his feelings for Remus Lupin for years, it would have been insecurity. As a child, he had been constantly told that he was not good enough and everything about him was wrong. That left a mark most people did not consider, because he tried to never let them think about it long enough to consider it.

But alcohol is the elixir of truth. And Remus felt that hope again, the one that said maybe feeling would be okay. Maybe Sirius somehow felt the same way.

But Sirius's words echoed in his head. "You survive by never looking forward and never looking back."


End file.
